When I was in high school, I was told by a Choir Director in passing conversation that he never gave solos to anyone who asked for one, because it meant their heart wasn't in the right place. He also said if you were good enough, you would just get asked to be in leadership/get a solo/get to lead worship. At the time I agreed, and acted in accordance with what I thought was a really righteous way of selecting leaders. This eventually formed me into a person so scared of looking prideful, I never ever put myself out there musically. This lead to me to being overlooked (not in a mean-spirited, or poor-leadership kind of way), wondering why I wasn't moving forward, then ultimately wondering if I was good enough. I was at the point where I was thinking that maybe I had been fooling myself my entire life. My senior year of college was a time of questioning, and a lot of soul searching.
The point of that weird anecdote is this: I was holding on to a lie, and it grew in my heart into debilitating fear. It wasn't until very recently that I began to pray in earnest for the Lord to change my heart and my thinking on this.
Music comes very naturally to me. My piano is an extension of my arms. I can't not sing a song I know while riding in the car. God doesn't give us gifts and talents, so we can hide it away. I had a little light and I was hiding it (under a bushel...no!).
It was being at Desperation conference in CO where God really broke the chains in my heart. I had honestly thought that song "Break every chain" was silly emotional crap until then. It was watching people doing what they were obviously called to do, and doing it confidently and unapologetically.
My stream of thought went a little like this, "Oh my gosh, Lord please forgive me, I have been so wrong. I have been so resistant, and so falsely humble.... I can do that, Lord, I'm gonna do it....(tons of crying)."
So, here I am now. I'm not doing it on a huge stage with thousands of people. I'm not writing instant hits with viral Youtube videos. But I'm doing it. Nathan and I are writing for real for the first time. We are leading together for real for the first time. We are as poor as we were in the beginning and there is fear in stepping out...but there is provision. I guess the ultimate point of this blog is this:
There is peace in obedience, and no money can buy that.